| Lately I've been... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
... struggling with my submission. As much as I try to deny it, B isn't the dominant I'd like him to be, and I doubt he ever will be. But I could never leave him... I need him. Trouble is, the feelings of submission I feel with him... I don't think I can feel with anybody else. I've tried bottoming a few times online to a friend Dom and his pet from Vancouver, but it just doesn't feel right. All I'm doing is going through the motions, it doesn't fire my emotions at all. So, if casual play won't feed my submissive yearnings, and neither can B, then where does that leave me? I want a Master that is caring, who pushes me and my submission, in order to help me grow. I'm not helpless; I don't want to be treated like I am. But I need guidance. I'm trying to ignore how I feel... but it's eating at me. I've explained how I feel to B, and he insists that we'll find a way to work things out and that things will change soon... but he hasn't done anything since our talk, and now that he's on his practicum for school, the 12 hour shifts mean he's out like a light soon after getting home. I spent all day today cleaning and making a special oriental meal for him... dressed up, got him his favourite things, bought him a money tree... and felt very submissive the whole time. He enjoyed it... but I thought he'd be really surprised and happy. I kind of had to fish to get him to say anything about it. And he fell asleep as soon as he was done his dessert (Cheesecake, and strawberries with *light* whipped cream). Oh well... at least I felt like a sub while I was running around getting stuff and cleaning, etc. This is an issue that I've been trying to ignore for a long time, but I've come to accept the fact that B just doesn't mesh with me when it comes to kink. Now it's what to do about it that still eludes me... I can't help but wonder how many people are going to read this, look at my age, and think 'She doesn't know what love is, she'll be over this guy and find somebody else'... Sometimes I wish I could instantly age 10 years so that people would take me semi-seriously...
WRITTEN APRIL 12, 8:54 PM |
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| Thank goodness... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
... for techie friends. Betcha thought I was going to say 'it's Friday', didn't ya? B brought his computer back from his parents with him... I've been trying to run all the virus scanning etc. type programs on it that I can. I started talking to Alice on messenger, it's been a long time. Turns out he's having relationship troubles... so we talked about them for a while, and I wound up asking him about something that had turned up in a scan. Well, he told me that I was going about things the wrong way, and set me back on track. Hoorah. So now I think I'll be able to disinfect this sucker so that I'm not paranoid about connecting it to my computer. Although in all likelyhood, my computer is probably more diseased than his is. So yay for that. Have friends over for the weekend... other than them being a little annoyed at me for all the time I'm spending on the computer, it's fun. Nice to have people back. Thistle got home a little after they arrived. so it looks like we won't have an 'alone time' until after they leave... wow am I looking forward to it. It's been a week since we were along together, and trust me, we're feeling it!
WRITTEN APRIL 8, 1:35 AM |
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| I came, I saw... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
... I got zapped! This weekend was great. The party was fun. We had a violet wand demo'd to us, and I loved it. It was a great feeling, definitely something I'd like to experience again. Everyone was very nice, and it was definitely worth the drive. Spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with friends. B stayed in S'toon for school stuff, and I'm back in MJ. I miss him Dunno what else to say... I'm tired and not thinking too straight. Tomorrow I should do some cleaning, so I better get to bed.
WRITTEN APRIL 5, 1:50 AM |
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| Today I can't... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
... think of a catchy title. Nothin' much happening today... went to work, then paid some bills and got groceries. I leave for S'toon tomorrow, and then B is coming the day after. He'll be there for nearly a week doing school stuff... the apartment is going to be so lonely without him. I can't sleep when he's not here. Apparently I can crash after the party at his family's place... even though they'll be out of the province. His family is soooo different than mine. Any wonder why I like them better? lol. I still haven't decided what to wear to the party... I'm going to try to lace myself into my corset tonight... if that doesn't work, it'll either be my chainmaille bikini (it's currently chainmailled onto my collar from noirluna... which I'm sure is more comfortable than if we had chainmailled a metal collar for it, but it still pulls on the back of my neck, and I'm not sure how long I can wear it). If I don't go that way, my final option is my black sheer top that has roses on it ('cause I'm RoseThorn, get it? Ha ha. I'm a dork) with a black bra under it, and then a black miniskirt or something. No idea what I'm going to wear for shoes, I have a pair of heels I like, but they're too big, and purple, so they don't really match anything. Hmm, might wear stockings too... although if I put runs in another pair (HIGHLY likely), I'll be mad... I also want to chainmaille a necklace for myself if I don't wear my bikini... I better get to work! I need to re-dye my hair tonight too... got it cut today. Gotta shave, find my makeup... basically get together my stuff so I don't look like a slob! Heh heh... I'm so low maintenance, it's not even funny...
WRITTEN MARCH 31, 4:11 PM |
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| Well, I've made up my mind... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
... I'm going to the party. The jitters are already going away, and now I'm just getting excited. I shudder to think what my Visa bill is going to look like next month though... This will be the second weekend in a row I'm going to Saskatoon, and I need to make a couple more trips there in the next month. Why does gas always go up right before I travel?
WRITTEN MARCH 30, 2006 1:20 PM |
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| In another 24 hours... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
... everything can change. I may have missed the munch, but I've been invited to the play party! I want to go, but B has to work... I'm still fighting with myself a bit, as I'm really nervous. I don't know if I'm going to even recognize anybody there... and recognizion of a few people is about as much as I can do, lol. I'm trying to set a deadline for myself to decide yes or no before I go to bed tonight, because I don't want to keep the party's host waiting for an answer. I wish I didn't always get so afraid. I was scared and nervous before the munch and the workshop, but wound up having a great time at both. I'm not sure why I think things will be different this time? I think part of the reason is that I'm scared of the possibility of being asked to play... while I doubt it will happen, I have no idea how I'd answer. While I'd like to, I'm pretty sure I'd want B there the first few times. He's said he's ok with it, but I still don't know what will happen inside this head of mine when (if) that day ever comes. Anybody got any advice for me? lol.
WRITTEN MARCH 29, 5:30 PM |
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| I'm gone for 24 hours... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
... and everything goes to pot. Wound up heading up to Saskatoon yesterday, for my aunt and uncle's wedding anniversary. It was fun, but time with my family always sets me on edge. Went to brunch with them on Saturday morning (champagne with orange juice and coffee with Bailey's, after a long night of drinking. Sometimes I wonder about them, lol), then headed back home, just in time to meet up with a friend from Saskatoon who was in the area. So I'm seriously sleep deprived, and I have to be up at 5 tomorrow morning to get ready for my first day of training. And it's raining right now, so the roads will probably be slippery to drive to Regina tomorrow. And I missed the munch last night! I was counting on it after the Erotic Adventure was cancelled, grr. Sounds like there's a private party on the first, but you need to be known to the person throwing the party, so that's out. Starting to wonder if I'll ever get to know people, lol. Oh well, I'm only 18, I've got lots of time, right? **rolls eyes** Spending time with my family always bothers me, because I get to be treated like a 7 year old all over again. Sometimes I think I'm too mature for my own good.
WRITTEN MARCH 26, 7:27 PM |
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| Have I forgotten... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
... how to write like a normal person? Looking back on my first few posts, I cringe. Rambling like nobody's business, I am. Let's try this again, with a bit of background so people actually know what I'm talking about.
I'm 18, female last time I checked, and living in Moose Jaw. (My profile might say Regina, I tend to not list my real location, but I figure if somebody's willing to wade through my disjointed blog posts, they deserve the truth). I'm living with my boyfriend/fiancee (We're engaged, but sans the ring, and my family would flip if they knew... so it makes for an interesting situation. We end up referring to each other differently every time you talk to us.) I grew up near Saskatoon on an acreage, so I'm a bit of a farm girl at heart. I originally came to Moose Jaw to go to school, but quickly discovered that what I was taking wasn't for me, and withdrew. Luckily, I had a full scholarship for books and tuition, so it didn't cost me too badly. I bummed around MJ for a long time looking for a job, and found a part time gig at a daycare a day before my deadline to move back home with my parents. Thank god/goddess/celestial being/cookie monster for that, living with them is like my own private hell. But it doesn't pay the bills well enough, so I was on the hunt for another job. Just as my money was running out (ie, a week ago), I got a new job, which I'm not going to disclose online. Let it suffice to say that I will be a civil servant, and helping people. I'm looking forward to it a lot, it promises to be extremely interesting, and the fact that it pays quite well doesn't hurt either. Definitely going to be ordering some new gear once the paychecks start rolling in! And that's my history, or as much as I'm willing to say online, that is.
As for what I'm like, that's a tough question. Online, I'm the informative, helpful person who co-runs a forum for young people into BDSM, is a Channel Operator on IRC, and generally gets along with everyone and mitigates conflicts when they pop up. Offline... I'm insecure, feel like I don't know anything, and just generally an introverted person. I really only leave my apartment to go to work and run errands. Although I have been going out a little bit with B's friends, which has been kind of nice. I thought I had myself built up into the person I want to be, but lately I seem to be regressing back into my insecure self. Not good. I don't ever want to go back there.
So my life is boring. On a typical day, I get up sometime in the afternoon (providing I didn't have to work, in that case, I go back to bed as soon as I get home, and sleep into the evening), go on the computer, maybe do some chores (likely not)... the rest of the day/night is basically that. Alternating between being online moderating/chatting, goofing off with chainmaille or some other medium, and doing necessary tasks. I truly live a boring life. And now you've read all about it. Don't you feel special?
WRITTEN MARCH 24, 1:14 AM |
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| Maybe I should buy stocks in Kleenex... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
... I'm certainly using enough of them, anyways. Darn cold... working at a daycare is taking it's toll on my health, this is probably my 6th or 7th serious cold of the winter. And I've always had such a hard time getting over colds too. I was surprised to see that I already had 2 comments, althouth one of them was just a guy asking if I was looking for a good time or something. I deleted that one. I get enough stupid mail, I didn't need more spamming up my blog. The other one was nice though. I wound up having a major meltdown last night, poor B. I'm just in a funk, and when I'm sick, I get really really emotional. I haven't been this down in a long time, and I'm not sure why. Just frazzled I guess, running the forum with Iryn away has been stressful. The advertising we bought kicked in while she's gone, and I've been running myself ragged trying to keep up with the join requests. It just seems like everybody wants something from me. And it looks like I'm not an Op on two of my channels anymore, seeing as the registration has been shifted to Karbon. I guess you can't be a member of both guilds. Oh well, I sort of miss it, but not really. I have enough responsibilities as is, and I'm still opped in the other channel, although there's plenty of other ops there too. I was the only op on the other two channels. It sounds like we're going to Meagan and Dustin's for supper... they phoned while we were out at the Sev. I guess I should go get ready, seems like they have supper already made. Way to twist our arm, lol.
WRITTEN MARCH 19, 4:33 PM |
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| Being bored at 4 AM is never a good idea... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
... because you start writing stuff down and posting it for the world to see. Not that I don't do that already, just not usually like this. Mind you, I'm always awake at 4, so I suppose I shouldn't blame the time either... whatever. So, blogging, eh? Never my forte, I tend to start one and forget about it *cough*GaiaJournalAndLiveJournal*cough* Ah well, as long as it keeps me amused for a short while.
It's blizzarding outside... I hope B gets home from the bar soon (He works there, btw) I'm still really disappointed about TE cancelling their event... hell, I bought my ticket in January. I'm just trying to jump at every chance I get to go to some sort of gathering. I've already missed one munch and one workshop since I decided to try to get into the scene. Now I might miss the next one too, although I'd be glad if I did, seeing as it would mean I got into the training course for the job I've been offered. It's only coming to light now that I need to be 19 in order to do it (I'm not actually, although my profile seems to be saying so... still have another 2 and a half months before I hit that milestone) If I can't get into this, I'll have to wait for the next one, which will be months. Um, I'd rather have the job that pays more than double what I'm earning, NOW, thanks. Not that I'm greedy or anything, it's just the 10 hours a week on min wage doesn't pay the bills, you know? I wouldn't mind ordering some new gear, either... heh heh. I've been lusting after some proper cuffs, a flogger or two, and some boots! Preferably ballet ones... although some pony play gear would be nice too, if there was anybody who would play with me. B has said that's not his thing. Seems like Chris' boot and pony fetishes are rubbing off on me. Speaking of which, I'm almost done his kinky kuddly. It's a plush horse that I've added a bridle, x harness, and chaps too. I wanted boots for it too, but Barbie ones are too small, and anything else I find is too big. Oh well. I want to get it done, I'm starting to get the chainmaille itch again, but I won't let myself start that until I get the pony done. Seeing as I've been promising to ship it and his other stuff 'right away' for the past few weeks. Oh, yay, B seems to be home. Guess that's my cue to end this rant.
WRITTEN MARCH 19, 2:10 AM |
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| I've been cheating... |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thirsty | ] |
on LJ with alt.com's blogs. Sorry LJ. To make up for it, I'm going to port all my entries from there over here. Forgive me? lol. |
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| Why am I not surprised... |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
I promised yesterday that I would clean today. Nothing has been cleaned, and there's exactly one hour and eight minutes left of today. Go figure. Didn't wake up until 5, promised myself that I would just go online for a min to check messages, and wound up staying on all day. As usual. I really need to stop doing this, it just isn't healthy. So now I'll have to clean everything after work tomorrow (which'll be hard, because I'll be exhausted). Chelsea is coming on Friday, and B is coming back home, so I want to get things nice and clean. Even if I just want to do the bare minimum, I need to get everything sex/BDSM related packed away, do all the dishes ('cause we have absolutely nothing clean), and pick up enough stuff that we can walk through rooms without tripping. Which is a lot. Why do I always let it get this bad? Sheesh. And I need to find my debit card, if it's lost I'm screwed, especially because Chelsea and I are going to go shopping on Saturday. Anyways, a short entry for once, due to the fact that I've only been awake for 6 hours. |
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| Do they have little rechargable batteries, or what? |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|01:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
Wow, what a day. Unfortunately, it starts in the middle of the night, as usual. I really need to start getting back into some normal sleep habits... Well, let's see... B and I finally had a chance to have sex, thank goodness. But... he was as eager as I was, which meant that he only managed around 30 seconds, if that. And he was pretty tired after that, meaning that I didn't really get anything. We started talking afterwards, and I wound up telling him some of my frustrations with our relationship. Bless his soul, he tries, but he's just not really a dominant person. I think I've always known it, but I've been deluding myself and ignoring all the evidence. It's not that he won't Dom, it just doesn't really do anything for him. He enjoys the fact that I'm loving it, but to me that's just not enough. I feel guilty, and I can't sink myself into subspace when I'm mentally berating myself. It was a hard talk, and at one point he even asked me point blank if this was something that we could deal with in our relationship, but eventually it got worked out. He's still going to Dom me sometimes, and I won't let myself feel guilty about it, but we've also agreed to start going to Fet nights and munches, and that I may play with other people. It was something that I had secretly kind of wanted, but I had never let myself think about it, because I viewed it as cheating in a way, and didn't think he'd ever agree to it. But he was actually the one who mentioned it, and apparently he's totally ok with it. He says that he knows that my loving him and wanting to be intimate with him is totally different from my submissive tendancies, and that it won't feel like I'm cheating. He even said I could go to the events and stuff alone, but I shot that down pretty quickly. I want him there with me, no matter what. I don't know how far I would be willing to go, I know for sure that at least right now, I don't want to have sex with anybody else. I suppose that could always change, but I doubt it. But it was a big turning point in our D/s relationship, and I'm still sorting out my feelings about it. This talk wound up running waay to early in the morning, and it seemed like I had hardly fallen asleep before my alarm was going off. Today I started my job at the daycare. I almost wound up being late, because I wasn't feeling well and at the absolute last second I asked B to drive me. But I got there in the nick of time, and things went fairly well. I can't understand how they can have so much energy though! These kids just never stopped, and I was getting exhausted just watching them. I could go into a blow by blow account of my day, but that would just take waaay too long. Highlights are that we played with some water in a tub (Now THAT was messy), had a couple of head on collisions between kids running with trucks (complete with ear-shattering crying), and I managed to not have to change any diapers. Lucky me, but I don't think my luck can last forever. Krista said that I did really well, but she also said today was a really good day, which makes me truly fear bad days. I have to go back on Thursday, and we may wind up taking some of the older kids on a field trip to a Christmas farm on Friday. I'm sure THAT will be an experience... After work, B picked me up and I applied for my criminal record check. When we got home, I said I was just going to lie down for a minute, which turned out to be a lie because I went to sleep for 4 hours. I was woken up by the phone, I won't be going over to Krista's sisters' daycare tomorrow after all, she's busy and had to cancel. I was so confused, she phoned at 6:30, and I thought it was 6:30 in the morning. I couldn't get my internal clock sorted out for nearly an hour, it felt like early early morning to me. Finally got sorted out, and ordered some pizza before B left to go back to Toon Town for school. At least now I won't have to cook. I managed to seduce him before he left, and we finally had one hell of a satisfying sack session. I'm still tingly ^_^ But now that he's gone, I'm all sad again, and waiting for him to phone, I made him promise to call when he gets home because the highways aren't too great. Decided to give HP Tech Support one last chance to fix my computer, and this time I typed out a HUGE list of information before I logged on. I think I overwhelmed the tech, took him nearly 10 minutes to start helping me. Not that he was a lot of help, he just told me to do a non-destructive recovery... Although D_E and n_A have assured me that I won't lose my files or anything, I'm still super paranoid. After I'm done this entry, I'm going to back up some of my files before trying it. If my anything happens to my computer, I swear I'll cry. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, the apartment is an absolute pig sty, and I'm going to have to suck it up and clean it. B keeps promising too, and then he winds up sleeping. At least today he did some, he shoveled the deck, strung up the Christmas lights, and cleaned out the fridge. It's not much, but at least it's something. I've probably got a good 3 hours of dishes to do, hour of laudry to sort and fold, hour or two for picking stuff up and vaccuuming... it's going to be a long day. Oh, and probably an hour of sex toy washing and organizing. We always wash stuff right away, but some of it's been sitting out for a long time, in the bathroom no less, and I noticed yesterday that B didn't clean one of the spiralled dildos very well at all, there's still caked on stuff on it. Eww. So I guess I'll get that all cleaned up and sorted, the toybox is a mess. I'm the worst procrastinator, most of this stuff should have been done weeks ago. At least I don't have anything I need to do tomorrow, I can devote the entire day. And if my computer's still fucked up, well, at least it'll deter me from wasting time when I'm supposed to be working. And that's about it, I can't believe how much I actually write in this thing... It would be understandable if my life was actually interesting, but whatever, the only people who read it are my friends from the guild. Hi guys. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|10:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
Hmm, not a lot has happened today. Woke up at 4, realized that I needed to do my criminal record check. B talked to his dad on the phone and had to write some music before we could leave. When we finally got to the station at 4:55, they were closed. Turns out they are only open until 4. So I hope I don't get in trouble tomorrow when I start my job at the daycare. Went to the mall, got my phone looked at. Turns out that the reason it fucks up when I use browser is that Samsung phones are screwed, and can't access a ton of sites. I'm going to have to phone and complain to them tomorrow. So there's nothing they can do for me, and I can't switch phones. Go figure. Then I came home, shivered and slept for a while (haven't been able to warm up at all today), and did some goofing on the computer. I'm going to go to bed when I'm done writing this, gotta be up in time for the little kiddies. I'm really horny, and disappointed; between the stress, 'that time of the month', and B's recurrent absences, I've only had sex like once in the last month. And with Chelsea coming over this weekend for a girls shopping trip, the drought will likely continue. For a sex slave slut like me, that's a pretty serious occurrence. |
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| No sleep and boozy neighbours make Rose go blank blank |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|03:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
Well, this will probably just be a short entry, as I'm beat. This weekend I had to go to a training weekend for my farm safety talks. It was fun at times, and horrendously aggravating at others. B had to work the Friday and Saturday nights, so I didn't get to see him very much. The first night I stayed up until 6 in the morning watching various sex shows on TV, and when I realized that I had to get up at 7, I said screw it and didn't sleep at all. I was a very tired looking girl, lol. I wound up being a team leader since I have a few years experience, which was fun. Nothing like a little authority to make my day. The food was awesome, I got to catch up with some friends, all in all a decent day. Afterwards I went back to my room, watched a little TV until B arrived. When he got there, he started watching Street Fighter on TV, and I dozed for about an hour. He only stayed a few hours before he had to drive the hour back home to go to work, which was disappointing. Again, I started watching sex shows, but even by 3, when all the good ones had finished, I still couldn't sleep. I wound up sleeping from about 6:45 to 7:00. Then I went and had what I believed to be a 10 minute shower, but when I got out the clock said 8:00! I don't know what happened there, but I blanked out entirely for like 45 minutes. So I packed up the room in a mad rush and ran down to the conference room. Turns out that I had team leader meeting at 8, but I caught up and didn't really miss anything. The second day was also ok, although one of the people in my group was so hung over that she was running to the bathroom to puke. Which would have been annoying, but since we have a specific clause in the letter we got telling us about the weekend that 'safety council employees may not consume any alcoholic beverages at a council-run event', and since she was only 16 (3 years under the drinking age), it didn't annoy me, it infuriated me. After the event had officially wrapped up, some of us oldies told Judy about what all had gone on, and she was appalled (Judy is our boss). Apparently, one of the 15 year olds' MOTHER had pulled beer for them, and they had partied all night, invited tons of guests to spend the night in the hotel rooms that we have paid for us by the council, and just generally been completely immature idiots. Judy said that she couldn't 'fire' them, but they won't get any bookings for presentations, so they're fired in all but name. Which is good, we were rightfully incensed and bitched about it for about an hour, lol. Anyways, B finally came and picked me up (he had fallen asleep and forgotten to come, lol). We wandered Canadian Tire-Her for a while, got some Christmas lights and a bunch of essentials (jumper cables, emergency kit, etc) for B's car, and headed home. I fell asleep on the couch for about 7 hours (finally, some sleep! It had been over 50 hours >.< ), and woke up and gave B an amazing bj. Deep throated him, and did various other things, he said it was one of the best ones ever. Guess all that sex TV watching paid off ;) We're kind of opposite most people, after sex etc, we are wide awake, not sleepy. So we got up, I started catching up on all the messages I had missed over the weekend, and finally I started writing this. It's nice to be caught up on things, I was trying to keep in touch by using the web browser on my cell, but it doesn't have java and keeps randomly shutting off while I'm surfing, so I'm going to have to go get it looked at tomorrow. Go figure. If I need to get it replaced, I'm planning on getting a different one, one that is java enabled. It's 3:30, and I need to do some cleaning and errands tomorrow, so I'm gonna pack it in for the night. Ciao. |
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| Finally! |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|11:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
Today, was a good day. Well, mostly, any lousyness has been more than cancelled out by now.
My day starts at 12:01 AM, lol. I was online, as usual, chatting with Alice on IRC, filling out quizzes on OkCupid, and griping over the lack of sound on my computer. The stupid thing keeps losing all system sound, and I've been on the online tech support from HP repeatedly trying to fix it. Usually, they give me something, it fixes it, and then a week later the sound fritzes out again. This time, nothing would work. I kept getting 'solutions', trying them, restarting my computer, and finding out it didn't work. So I'd log on again, find another clueless tech, and go through the whole frickin' cycle once again. Finally, at around 5, I got fed up after sitting for an hour with a tech who not only didn't know what he was doing, but hit on me the whole time too. Alice is a tech support for GeekSquad, so I got him to use Remote Assistance and poke around my computer a bit. He decided I needed a new driver, and started sending me a new one, but then we decided that although we're nocturnal, when we can hear neighbours getting up to go to work, and we haven't even gone to bed yet, that it was a sign we should maybe get some sleep. I agreed to try uninstalling the old driver and installing the new one once the transfer had completed, and we went to bed. I'm a chronic insomniac, so I when I fell asleep by 7, it was a pleasant change. For an hour anyways, as the neighbours kid started screaming at 8. Every 5 or so seconds, without fail, the little shit would scream at the top of his lungs. For two. Fucking. Hours. I wanted to go over there and throttle the thing. Finally, he shut up, and I fell back asleep until 2. When I got up, I checked my various email accounts and messages on the forums, and looked up the address of the daycare where I had an interview today. I also looked for the driver that Alice had sent me, but couldn't find it. I think the transfer wasn't completed. I was waiting for B to call, since he was coming back from Toon Town (the city where he's going to school) on the bus, and I was going to go pick him up from the bus station. But he was due in at 3, and when he hadn't called by 4, I decided that he much have taken a later bus and decided to shower. I got out at 5 (there is no greater pleasure in life when you're depressed than an hour long, scalding hot shower), and had just thrown on B's bathrobe when I heard somebody coming up the stairs to the door (my apartment has an entrance to the outside). I got a little freaked out, until I saw that it was B! I opened the door and let him in, asking him how he'd gotten from the bus station home, and where all his luggage was. He just smiled like a kid at Christmas, and pressed a button on his keychain. He pulled the blind, and there was a new car starting up out on the street! Turns out that his search for a car had finally come to an end. His old beater is at the end of it's rope, and he's been looking for a new one for weeks. But the money thing is an issue, seeing as he's nearly as broke as I am. I guess him and his dad went vehicle hunting today after he finished his Trauma exam (he's in school to become a PCP, Primary Care Paramedic), and found a little gem of a car at a small dealer. It's a 94 Mazda 626 Cronos, and it only cost him $3200. It's had all it's maintenance done, he even has all the receipts, and looks great. Remote start, a decent CD player... much classier than I thought he'd get. Of course, it's not the truck he'd like, and he doesn't know if he'll be able to fit his drum in the back, but it's still great. Anyways, he immediately made me get dressed and took me out for supper so he could take me for a spin in his new car. It sure looks great. After supper at Burger King (we didn't have time for classy, I had a job interview to get to), he drove me to the daycare. The interview went GREAT, she had all but offered me the job after only 5 minutes. I have to go back tomorrow, spend a little time with the kids to make sure that I can handle them, and if I still want it, the job is mine. At the end of the interview, she actually said that she could hug me, she was so glad that I had applied. And I am too, if I didn't have a job by Monday, my parents were going to try to force me to move back home. I have to remember to phone my landlord tomorrow and get him to cancel the notice on my apartment. It would be a real kick in the teeth if I finally got a job and he would rent out my apartment, still thinking that I was leaving. It sounds like a good job too, 8 bucks an hour, EI and other benefits, half my costs reimbursed after 6 months of employment (I need to get a Criminal Record check, Tuberculosis test, and recertify my First Aid and CP). We came back home, but then went out again at around 8:30, to pick up some more pliers for chainmailing, more D-rings for the chainmail cuffs we're making, locks to close the cuffs with, and some wrapping paper for Christmas. We couldn't find the pliers we needed at Canadian Tire, so we hit Peavy Mart. No luck on flat nosed pliers there either, although we did pick up a pair with a hooked nose that look useful for hooking rings with. Finally we headed to Wallyville, and found D-rings. We tried asking about the pliers, but the associate just kept telling us that we wanted needle nose ones. We ditched her and found them ourselves, but the only flatnosed pliers without teeth came in sets with 4 other pliers, so we decided not to waste the extra money and just order them from online. So it's still solo mailing for us, until we have enough pliers to let us work together. So now I'm back home, and the only thing that slightly spoils my joy is the fact that I still have no effing sound on my computer! Blargh. But Alice gets home from work soon, and he said he'd help me again. (Yes, he, Alice is a friend of mine from the Fetishist Guild. He's a crossdresser, and the smartest computer guy I know). So I've chatted on IRC a little, and just generally goofed off waiting for him, while B is working on the cuffs. We have one of them done, just fine-tuning the sizing. Eventually I want a full set, wrist pair, ankle pair, and collar. I can't believe how incredibly long winded I am, so I'm going to wrap this up and go download an amazing bagpipe solo that B and I just watched on TV. Ciao. |
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| In the beginning... |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|10:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
This is a bit of a background on my life. By no means complete, but it's a start... I chose to begin when I met my boyfriend (fiancee, but I can't let many people know that, due to the fact that my parents would come after him with a shotgun of they knew), because it seems like that is the point where my life truly began...
Well, my bf and I started off hating each other's guts, lol. We had met before, and semi-hung out with the same group of people. We were both rather interested in Drama, so we always saw each other at Drama practices too. Which was fine, we had no feels towards each other, good or bad, at that point. Until the spring play rolled around, and I was cast opposite him in the leading roles of the play. Now, normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, except for the fact that we had a steamy love scene. Ok, it was actually just some kissing, but at the time, I was in Grade 9, and he was in Grade 10, and we were both very much dating virgins, so it felt like a steamy love scene to us. Now, I had never kissed a boy, and there was no way in hell that my first kiss was gonna be a staged thing between me and some geeky guy who was part of the social misfits of my school! (Not that there's anything wrong with misfits, I was one myself, but he was a different class of misfit, if that makes any sense) Long story short, we refused to kiss for real, and had to practice fake kisses over, and over, and over... And his mom, who happens to work for the high school, kept popping in to practices and teasing us... Gawd that was embarrassing. So the play came and went, and in the dressing room after the last performance, I said "Thank God I'll never have to kiss you again!" His reply? "Don't be so sure of that..." We were all creeped out, and figured that freaking us out was his goal when he said it, so we just let it drop.
Fast forward a year or so. One day, my circle of friends and I are sitting on the benches in the common area, and he comes and sits down with us. Doesn't say anything, just plunks down and listens to our conversation (which was likely something extremely girly and revolving around sex, knowing us) We were kinda creeped out, but figured he wasn't doing any harm, and let him stay, 'cause we knew he didn't have anyone else to hang out with. Actually, several of my friends tried to get rid of him, but I persuaded them to let him stay. I wasn't exactly sure why, just felt worry for him, I guess.
Eventually, he became just as much a part of the group as the rest of us (and yes, for lack of a better term, we began referring to ourselves as 'The Group'). He learned to tune out the girly talk, and constantly cracked jokes at our expense. We couldn't really figure out if he liked us or hated us, 'cause everytime he'd get to the point where we figured nobody could say all those things and not hate us, he'd do something crazy, like buy us lunch or plan an outing. It became natural that whenever we paired off (to play cards, for example), I'd be paired with him, while my other two best friends paired together. And so it went, until they hit Grade 12. (I'm younger, of The Group, they were all a grade ahead of me)
What happened in Grade 12, you ask? Graduation. And all the dress choosing, corsage planning, and most importantly, escort asking, that goes with it. Now, between me and my girlfriends, we all knew that it would be one of us that he asked. And we mostly figured it would be me, since I seemed to know him the best. But as time went on, people were picking their escorts, and everytime we bugged him, asking who he would pick, he'd just say that he hadn't decided yet. Finally, one day as we were walking to the Co-op (a gas station located about a block from my school, where everyone migrated during lunch for candy. They must have had about 200 kids go through a day, from 12-1), he blurted out to me "You're my escort for Grad, unless I can find somebody better." Well, my friends and I were slightly offended by this! But I figured it was just his way of getting past nervousness, so I agreed, partly because I wanted to go to Grad with all of my friends, and partly because for some reason, I really wanted to go with *him*. It had me very confused, when did I start caring what he thought of me?
We became even closer after that, and started chatting online. Which was a big deal, because it was individual interaction, not as part of a group, and we both hardly ever were on the computer, yet found ourselves logging on at times we thought the other would be most likely to be online. One day, we started chatting, and he was depressed. He had just dated a close friend of mine (but not a part of the group, not then anyways, she is now), and she had broken up with him. I had been kind of the go-between for them, as they both came to me, asking for advice on the other person. Now that was awkward, because at that point, I had come to realize that I had a crush on him, and I wound up telling my friend, just in case my advice went sour and she thought I was trying to break them up. I told her that I liked him, but that I didn't think he returned the feeling, and that I just wanted him to be happy. After the breakup, he began talking to me even more, and telling me about his depression. I was worried, and always tried to be very supportive. So, on this day, he said he was depressed, but didn't say much else, I wasn't saying much as I was filling out forms to get information for college apps (Yes, I started figuring out where I wanted to apply when I was in Grade 11, I was an over-achiever). He said that if we weren't talking about his problems, there wasn't anything for us to talk about, and he seemed bitter. Something in me gave way, and I said, do you want me to tell you about some of my problems? He sounded surprised, and said that he didn't think I had any, but ok. I wound up telling him my whole life story about how I was depressed, and suicidal, and a whole batch of other unpleasant things. I couldn't believe I was saying these things, and neither could he. Turned out we both had extremely similar backgrounds, depression, suicidal, etc. Finally, I ran out of words, and sat there crying. I told him that he was the first person I had ever told any of that to, nobody before him had known any of it, everyone always thought I was a happy-go-lucky student who was on top of the world. He asked me why I told him, and I said that I just trusted him somehow. We were both a little surprised, and then he wound up asking me out. It was crazy, and still kinda blows me away, that talking about the most horrible times of our life, led to one of the best days of my life.
So we started dating, and soon became inseparable. Teachers yelled at us for making out in the hallway (Yes, teachers who worked with his Mom. We had no discretion, and now that I think about it, she busted us herself once or twice too), our friends began referring to us as [hisname]and[myname], and life was great. Vanilla, but great. We wound up both having a free period at the same time in second semester, and we would take off in his car and go make out (and do other things, I lost my oral sex virginity this way) on a back road about 10 min out of town. Eventually, Grad rolled around, I had a great time and loved dressing up and walking the Grand March with him, and I was gonna spend the night at his house for the first time alone (We'd had parties where everyone spent the night before that). Now, horny teenagers, grad night, what do you think happened? Yes, I (tried) to lose my virginity that night. But it hurt so much, and he couldn't get it in. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, even his finger hurt most of the time. We tried many times in the months after that, and he was never able to penetrate me. I got rather depressed, and felt like a failure. But, something wonderful happened too. Last Thanksgiving, we were making out in his camper (couldn't get any privacy in the house, so we had taken to retreating to the camper for our little trysts), and he pinned my hands above my head. Well, the beast was unleashed, as that simple act had made me horny out of my mind. That folks, was the turning point that led to us starting down a rather twisted and kinky path ^_^ That winter, I went to the doctor for my first pelvic exam. I was having cramps so badly that I couldn't even get out of bed. She examined me, and then some. I don't get into it, but let's just say that she did things a doctor doesn't need to do. She said I just had a very thick hymen, and that they may have to do a small surgery to snip it open to I could have sex. She put me on the Pill, said it would ease the cramps, and sent me on my way. But it didn't help much, and after that first time, I refused to ever set foot in her office again, so she referred me to a Gynecologist. Now, the waiting lists in my province are atrocious, so I didn't get to see the Gyno until 9 months later. At that point, I still couldn't have sex, was still having cramps, and was generally miserable with my sex life. I explained to the Gyno that I had had a bad experience with pelvic exams, and she agreed not to touch me, only to look. She looked at me, prodded me a tiny bit using a Q-tip after getting my permission, and promptly told me that I had a longitudinal vaginal septum. Basically, it's a birth defect: While I was developing as a fetus, the 2 tubes that join together and form your reproductive organs didn't competely fuse, and I had a wall running down the middle of my vagina, dividing it into two. The Gyno couldn't understand how a doctor could have possible missed such a blatently obvious defect, especially when she had examined me with a speculum, and done various other things. It was also the cause of my cramps, because since my vagina was so small, menstrual blood couldn't exit my body very easily, causing cramps. She said that the solution was to have a surgery, where they would remove the dividing tissue. I also had to have ultrasounds and other tests done, as many people with this type of defect also have problems with their kidneys. Worst case scenario, I may have needed a transplant. Luckily, I have two happy, healthy kidneys ^_^ I wound up having my surgery in March of this year. I was terrified, because there was a chance that it could leave me unable to conceive. I went to the hospital with my mom and bf, and broke down as I was being wheeled into the OR. A nice nurse held my hand as I was receiving the anasthesia, and the last thing I remember was watching two male nurses put my legs into slings, leaving me competely exposed, and dropping the section out of the table so my ass was hanging off the edge. I woke up to a nurse, grasping me by the shoulders and shaking me! Apparently I had been crying in my sleep, and she had finally snapped. Two other nurses stopped her, and reassured me. I was still so groggy that I didn't really know what was happening, just that I was scared and had no idea where I was. Finally, they found my mom and bf, and brought them in. I was able to go home that day, but nobody would tell me how the surgery had gone. I didn't find out until 2 months later, when I had a follow up appointment with my Gyno. She was the one who had done the surgery, and she said that while the removal had gone well, they had had some problems with closing the wound. Before the surgery, they told me that they try not to use any stitches, because they tend to scar over and scar tissue makes it difficult for the sperm to reach the uterus. She said that they had used some stitches, and when I asked how many, she wouldn't tell me. I kept pushing her, and finally she just said that they had used a lot. When I asked if I would be able to have kids, she wouldn't meet my eye and told me that there was always a possibility. I was crushed. She didn't have the heart to tell me, but chances are, I'll never have kids of my own, at least not naturally. This sent me spiraling into depression (again), and I started contemplating suicide again, for the first time in years.
Eventually though, my bf helped me snap out of it, and we were finally able to have sex! To celebrate, the first time I was officially allowed to do anything, after the healing period, he made me a set of four cuffs from old belts! That's when we really started to explore BDSM. Eventually, I found Gaia, and then saw a picture in somebody's sig advertising The Fetishist Guild. I joined, and found all these wonderful, kinky people who thought the way I did! ^_^
This summer, my bf and I went on a road trip to Kitimat, BC, for 10 days. It was the time of our life, and we spent around $300 on sex toys! Summer passed, I moved to my current city, and started school. Unfortunately, I hated it, and dropped out. But in the meantime, my bf had finished school for a while, and came to live with me, at long last! Now, we're a happily kinky couple, who leave sex toys lying around the house and indulge our tastes whenever we like, for as long as we like! No more quickies before the parents come home for us. |
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